Friday, June 1, 2007

Munnabhai Software Engineer


appun jaise tappori s/w Engg. ko kya maalum...
saala programming kis chidiya kaa naam hai...
template me subclassing karke apanaa timepass hota hai....
copy paste kaa kaam miltaa hai bass appun khush...!!!
fir yeh coding kaa lafdaa locha kaiko?
are kaiko ?
arre kaiko re?
fir ek din boleto appun ko project mila.....
ya haaaaaaaaaa!!!!
saala appun ka khopdi chakkar kha gaya ...
computer ke saath dil saala takkar kha gayaa...!!!
appun ko lagaa appun kaa beda paar ho gaya...
boleto baap saala appun ko bhi kaam mil gaya...!!!
din bhar appun computer ke aagge...
koi lafdaa nahi kuch nahi...
tin din naa Raghu se raada na Abbhi se pangaa
bass choop chaap...
appun kaa bhidulog saala dar gaya...
bola kya be manya saala tu bhi programmer bann gaya...!!!
phir ek din appun ko kaam kartaa dekh vikya bola...
ye munnabhai kya coding bana rela hai baap...!!!
vikya ko pakdaa... bola idhar aa shahane tereko coding seekhataa hai... saale ko itnaa dhoyaa itnaa dhoyaa... abhi tak thobdaa waakadaa hai ... aur aaj tak uska forms ke saath chattis kaa aakdaa hai...!!!
samzaa ...?
samzaa...?
samzaaa naa...?
(fir ...? fir kya huwa..?)
fir ek din appun ne coding poora kar diya...
form poora karke appun ne testing ko bhej diya...!!!
lagataa tha ab appun kaa kaam khatam ho gaya...!!!
par DTS me issues dekhake sala appun darr gaya...!!!
appun ke saamne tester ne mere coding me ki galtiyaa nikali... aapun ke coding ki poori waat laga di.... appun udharich khadaa thaa... par appun kuch nahi bola... kaiko bolega? kaiko...?
saala ek, ek kaam kiya thaa... usme bhi itne bugs...
par appun ek aansu nahi roya...
kaiko royega...?
kaiko..?
saala appunich yedaa thaa naa...!!!
agale din se phir wohi life chalu...
wohi mails forward karnaa, wohi messages, wohi template, wohi assignments... saala itnaa mails forward kiya...itnaa mails forward kiya... log samze mail server down hoyega... bhoolneka hai bhoolneka hai par kya karega...!!!
training milke bhi jab kaam nahi miltaa hai...
haa thoda bore huwa par chaltaa hai...
(phir ...? phir kya huwa..?)
fir ...?
fir kya...?
fir agale din appun ko aur ek project mila...!!!
shaappak...
saala appun ka khopdi phir chakkar kha gaya ...
computer ke saath dil saala phir takkar kha gayaa...!!!
ho ho ho hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Some Film titles may be like these:

What if the I.T. industry starts producing movies?
Some Film titles may be like these:

· Login Karo Sajna

· Naukar PC Ka

· 1942 -- A Bug Story

· Kaho Na Virus Hai

· Crash Se Crash Tak

· Haan Meine Bhi Debug Kiya Hai

· Shaheed Hacker Singh

· Password De Ke Dekho

· Terminal Apna Login Parayi

· Mr. Network Lal

· PC Sajaake Rakhna

· Hackers' Ka Raja Debuggers' Ki Rani

· Kyonki Mein Debug Nahin Karta

· Phir Teri Java-script Yaad Aayi

· Meri Disc Tumhare Paas Hai

· Aao Chat Kare

· Programmer No.1

· Developer Mera Naam

· Java Wale Job Le Jayenge

· Hum Apke Memory Mein Rahate Hein

· Do Processor Baarah Terminal

· Tera Code Chal Gaya

· Har Din Jo Mail Karega

· Network Ke Us Paar

· Debugging Koi Khel Nahi

· Jish Desh Mein Bill Gates Rehata Hai

· Raju Ban Gaya MCSE

· Client Ek Numbari Programmer Dus Numbari

· Crash To Hona Hi Tha !!!!!!!!!!!!

Software Quotes

UNIX is simple. But It just needs a genius to understand its simplicity.
--Dennis Ritchie

Before software can be reusable, it first has to be usable.
--Ralph Johnson

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.
--Fred Brooks

Theory is when you know something, but it doesn't work. Practice is when something works, but you don't know why it works. Programmers combine theory and practice: Nothing works and they don't know why. It's hard enough to find an error in your code when you're looking for it;
it's even harder when you've assumed your code is error-free.
-Steve McConnell Code Complete

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilisation.
-Gerald Weinberg

The Six Phases of a Project:
Enthusiasm
Disillusionment
Panic
Search for the Guilty
Punishment of the Innocent
Praise for non-participants
Good code is its own best documentation. As you're about to add a comment, ask yourself, 'How can I improve the code so that this comment isn't needed?' Improve the code and then document it to make it even clearer.
--Steve McConnell Code Complete

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are sure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
--Bertrand Russell

No matter how slick (efficient) the demo is in rehearsal, when you do it in front of a live audience the probability of a flawless presentation is inversely proportional to the number of people watching, raised to the power of the amount of money involved. One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
--Robert Firth

Fifty years of programming language research and we end up with C++?
--Richard A. O'Keefe

C programmers never die. They are just cast into void.
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
--Edsger Dijkstra

You can either have software quality or you can have pointer arithmetic, but you cannot have both at the same time.
--(Bertrand Meyer)

(Thoughtful...)

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third works.
--Alan J. Perlis

Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.
--Bill Gates

The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time. The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time.
--Tom Cargill

Programmers are in a race with the Universe to create bigger and better idiot-proof programs, while the Universe is trying to create bigger and better idiots. So far the Universe is winning.
--Anon

As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs.
--Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949

I did say something along the lines of "C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows your whole leg off."
--Bjarne Stroustrup

It has been said that the great scientific disciplines are examples of giants standing on the shoulders of other giants. It has also been said that the software industry is an example of midgets standing on the toes of other midgets.
--Alan Cooper About Face

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
--Pablo Picasso

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
--attributed to Norm Schryer

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
--Will Rogers

Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer .
--Fred Brooks, Jr.

As we said in the preface to the first edition, C "wears well as one's experience with it grows." With a decade more experience, we still feel that way.
--Brian Kernighan and Dennis Ritchie

Simplicity is prerequisite for reliability
--Edsger W.Dijkstra

I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means. It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.
--Dennie van Tassel

Rules of Optimization:
Rule 1: Don't do it.
Rule 2 (for experts only): Don't do it yet.
--M.A. Jackson

Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves.
--Alan Kay

Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was written, and another for which it wasn't.
--Alan J. Perlis

Technology is dominated by two types of people:
Those who understand what they do not manage.
Those who manage what they do not understand.
--Putt's Law

Copy and paste is a design error
--David Parnas

Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more months might as well have been written by someone else.
--Eagleson's law

The primary duty of an exception handler is to get the error out of the lap of the programmer and into the surprised face of the user. Provided you keep this cardinal rule in mind, you can't go far wrong.
--Verity Stob

5 Philosophies of life!!!!!

1)
"DON'T LET SOMEONE BECOME A PRIORITY IN YOUR LIFE...
WHEN YOU ARE JUST AN OPTION FOR THEM....."


2)
"NEVER CRY FOR ANY RELATION IN LIFE
BECAUSE FOR THE ONE WHOM YOU CRY
DOES NOT DESERVE YOUR TEARS
AND THE ONE WHO DESERVES
WILL NEVER LET YOU CRY................. "


3)
TREAT EVERYONE WITH POLITENESS
EVEN THOSE WHO ARE RUDE TO YOU,
NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT NICE
BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE NICE.......................


4)
NEVER SEARCH YOUR HAPPINESS IN OTHERS
WHICH WILL MAKE YOU FEEL ALONE,
RATHER SEARCH IT IN YOURSELF YOU WILL FEEL HAPPY
EVEN IF YOU ARE LEFT ALONE......................


5)
HAPPINESS ALWAYS LOOKS SMALL
WHEN WE HOLD IT IN OUR HANDS.
BUT WHEN WE LEARN TO SHARE IT,
WE REALIZE HOW BIG AND PRECIOUS IT IS! ................

Professional Love Letter

Dearest
Girl:

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Monday, the 23th of Dec 2006. With reference to the meeting held between us on the 23th of Dec 2003 at 2300 hours, I would like to present myself as a
prospective lover.
Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on-the-relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us.
Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account. I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving
this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Thanking you in anticipation.


Yours sincerely,
[Boy]